Hope.

I gave you my heart. There is nothing left for me to give. At least, nothing left in this chapter.

I will allow this place to remain, to be swallowed into the depths of the web. I said this project has been a failure, but that is a lie. I have come to grips with the world, with an understanding that my reality is just dreams, dreams not based upon anything tangible.

The time has come to move onto different things, new projects. I will let you know what these projects are when they become concrete. But not here. Oh no, never again here.

I don't know if I have another year in me.

As the year comes to an end, I am left with feelings of resentment. I created this blog as an effort to drum up some business for my guide service, yet the phone remains quiet, the fly rods remain unused, and I don't know if any bit of hope remains.

I cannot even begin to understand why no one wants to fish with me. All the time, I see guides connecting happy fishermen with their quarry on the river. What do these people have that I cannot offer?

This has been another year lost and alone.

Merry Christmas.

I hope everyone's Christmas is filled with joy and happiness.

Mine will be spent sitting alone in a cold apartment.

This rod failed me.

I have a Winston BIIx 8'6" 5 weight that I would like to trade for some kind of 6 weight, 9' or greater.



The rod is lightly used and in good condition. The sock is a bit dirty from a run-in with some mud, but it has been ran through the wash since this photo. There are still a few stains on it.

The rod itself is horrible. I don't know why I wasted money on this rod. I paid full price, of course, since no companies take me seriously enough to add me to their prostaff (even though I am a guide). I guess the chances are good my dislike for this rod could be greatly contributed to operator error. Still, I need to get rid of it.

Please contact Emo Guide Service if you are interested in a trade.

Remember when we were young.

Fishing wasn't always a priority. Circling a virtual track in a virtual cart with a group of friends was time well spent, as good as any day on the water. Life is simple when all you have to fret over is crossing a finish line before your friends.



Sometimes I think that I wasn't always like this.

"The finish line
is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
so our love will never end"

I don't know if my friends lost me or if I lost them, but I can no longer see them. I don't even know if the finish line still lies ahead...

Informational video.

I wish I could cast like this. :(

Don't be hurt, I have never been a very good friend.

In Kindergarten, one child in the class got to stay awake during nap time. At the end of nap time, this lucky kid would select the quietest kid in class who would receive a special sticker.

I really wanted one of those stickers, so I made a deal with little Timmy. When it was his turn to be the nap monitor he would select me as the quietest little guy; when my turn arrived I would return the favor and select him for the sticker. I was so happy when I got that sticker!

Then, not too long later, my turn to pick the quietest little kid arrived. I walked around and made sure all the little nappers were quiet. Then, it came time to select the quietest little kiddie. Little Timmy was looking at me in anticipation, knowing that he was going to receive the special sticker.

I picked someone else.

I have a tendency to get lost.

I quite frequently find myself lost when trying to find new fishing locations. I have actually turned around and went home in frustration on more than one occasion (which itself isn't at all easy when you are already lost). I really, really want an iPhone to help with this problem.

Unfortunately, I spent my iPhone money on those damn Armani Sunglasses.

Why would you send me this, Kyner?

Kyner, a member on that Drake fishing board, sent me this video.



I have no idea what is being said in the video or Kyner's intention in sending this, but I can't see it being a gesture of friendship.

I know that many of my recent updates have had nothing to do with fishing, but were I doing any fishing I would still have nothing to post about since I fail at that, nearly every. single. time.

If you are still reading this, you are a fool.

There are words, but they are words without a voice. Their meaning is empty.

Life throws me a bone.

I found my Armani sunglasses.

I am still in shock. Since when do good things happen to me?

Am I really that much of a joke?

I really, really, really want this checkered wading jacket:



Unfortunately, it is out of my price range.

I contacted Loop in an effort to become part of their pro staff. I figure, I am a fishing guide so it is worth a try. They laughed at me. No seriously, they laughed at me.

They are gone.

I have looked everywhere.

My Armani sunglasses have disappeared, and I have lost all hope of finding them. Why do things like this always happen to me? I was just beginning to feel comfortable and had even caught some fish while wearing them.

I hate my life.

I am stubborn to the core.

It is my way or the highway.

I am going to get political for a moment.

I would like to share with you, my friends, a nice video from Youtube. Unlike most flyfishing video, I was able to make it past the first 2 minutes.



What makes this video so nice is the complete lack of Xgames anglers doing one of 2 things:

1) Using every cliche ever spoken to describe the awesomeness of the experience.

B. Talking about how difficult, challenging and hardcore the whole adventure really was.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but not a thousand of their words. A thousand of their words will make even the most wonderful picture common.

Your voice is not unique, your voice is all the same. Stop trying so hard.



And on a side note, Emo Guide Service has been planning a trip to fish the Kola in '10. If you would like to accompany Emo Guide Service on this trip, please write a letter expressing your interest.

It really is Hard to Find a Friend.

What does this have to do with fishing?

Nothing.

Everything.



Sometimes, an ending is better than the continuing struggle.

Trying to boost my self confidence.

I purchased some new sunglasses on my trip. They are Emporio Armani glasses, and they are quite gaudy and a bit ridiculous.

Someone made the suggestion of wearing the latest fashion being a good way to make me feel less like an outsider. They were wrong. I am even more self-conscious and even more uncomfortable.

I also think the glasses may not have polarized lens despite being assured by the sales rep the lens are polarized. My fishing ability is going suffer because of this. :'(

The trip could have been worse.

I will be gone for most of September.

I am sure nobody is even reading this, but I just wanted to let anyone who may be reading know that they have not been forsaken.

Each step forward feels as though my shoes are made of concrete, but for the time being I will continue to struggle with each of these steps.

Take care.

For the record.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am not trying to be witty, clever, amusing, or anything other than real.

This all very real.