I fear being treated as a second class citizen.

I may, or may not, have spent the day out on the lake fishing with no shirt and no sunscreen. Ok, I definately did. I am not going to complain about my condition, I brought this upon myself...

Wait, did I just say that? Did I just take responsibility for my condition instead of blaming this cruel, hard world for singling me out and making me suffer? What have I become?

Anyway, this infliction is making me self conscious, further damaging what little confidence I have left. I fear society may shun people like me, people with body pain, people with flaming red skin. I do not want to be treated as a second class citizen. I just want some water to help with this dehydration. I just want to be acknowledged. :'(

I may have a sickness.

I threw away all of my flies a couple months ago. Thats right, right into the trash can.

I guess I thought it would be a good idea to start over. It wasn't. My flyboxes are over halfway full again but I constantly find myself scrambling to tie some needed flies the night before a fishing outing because I threw those perfectly good ones I used to have into the trash.

Why do I do the things I do? Is there something wrong with me?

This is the best that I can do.

Every instant spent with my online 'friends' becomes an instant closer to the realization that, very soon, the energy I put into trying to fit in, trying to be 'one of the guys', is going to turn into apathy.

Once, I had pride. Now, every time they cut me with their words, talk about me behind me back, or blog about me what little self-confidence is left is whittled away.

I try, even though the outcome is quite obviously predetermined.

I will try, even if I wasn't cut out to be a fisherman.

This really is the best I can do.

I tied some more salmonflies.

This is all a dream. I will wake up soon, right?

Tying flies is very much like fishing.

I fail at both.

I tied a dozen salmonflies last night to send to some friends for an upcoming trip. Here is an example:



The collar is too big, among other flaws. I will not be surprised if these flies are spiked in the trash immediately after arrival.

The picture was also taken in my bathroom. Pretty pathetic, huh?

What. a. failure.